Why Arguments?
Can we keep ourselves away from Arguments?
At our workplace, society or family at our surrounding, many times we listen the comments.
- This person is Egoistic or
- This person has very high level of EGO ….etc.
- Which shows that, speaker are not feeling comfortable to interact with that particular person and not like to interact further and not enjoying the company with that person. Here the persons are in a mind-set of “I am OK, You are not OK”. During interaction they are not enough sensitive to others feelings and not showing enough respect to others opinion.
Again at the other hand, we also listen some from our social or workplace environment that
- This person has no self-opinion,
- He changes his opinion based on situation,
- He is not firm about his decision,
- His statements always like to please to others…. etc.
- Which reflects that, this person having very low self-confidence and self-respect to share his own opinion without fear. They are always worried to have different opinions from others, even though they are correct. These are the person have a mind-set “I am not OK, You are OK”. They are always behind the race in decision-making or ahead in the race on blaming others showing excuse for any negative result.
In organization, both type of peoples are not favourable for positive result. In broader aspects, If this kind of peoples hold the Leadership or Managerial position, will have a critical impact on team development, organization performance and organization growth. This mind-set will also hindered to recognise the right person down the line and develop right person for right position.
- Why this is happening irrespective of position seniority and age?
- Why peoples behave like this?
- What are the processing in the mind of people behind this behaviour?
Let us first discuss about EGO & Self-respect:
There are thin line difference between EGO and Self-respect;
Self-respect is how you perceives yourself and how confident you feel within yourself. How much you value and regards on yourself. This has help a person to have self-belief and becomes self-dependent.
On the other hand, EGO is how important you feel around others. This is not only feels superior over others but also feels inferior for others. For example,
When in a group, if any individual tells, “I can play Guitar well,” that is self-respect. But if the same person tells “I am the best Guitar player” OR “I only play Guitar well” that reflects his overconfidence, EGO.
How EGO state of Mind playing the crucial role in individual reaction:
In an individual, a certain set of behaviour patterns corresponds to one state of mind. While another set are related to different psychic attitude often inconsistent with the first. These changes and differences is because of EGO STATES of Mind, the ways of persons thinking and reacting.
Every individual has three state of mind i.e. Parent, Adult and Child (there are no relevancy with age). At any given moment, each individual will exhibit a Parent, Adult or Child EGO state and that individual can shift with varying degrees of readiness from one EGO state to another.
Parent: EGO states which resembles those of Parental Figures. You are now in the same state of mind as one of your parent used to be and you are responding, as he would posture, gesture, vocabulary, feelings etc.
Every individual carries his parents around inside him. The key appearance of Parent EGO state of mind are
- Caring and genuine regards for helping others.
- Giving help weather other persons want it or not.
It enables the individual to act effectively as the Parent of actual children thus promoting the survival of the human race and it makes many responses automatically.
Adult: EGO states which resembles, that are autonomously directed towards objective appraisal of reality. An autonomous objective appraisal of the situation and are stating this thought process, or the problem you perceives or the conclusion you have come to in a non-prejudicial & non-emotional manners.
If we can summarise, the basic appearance of this Adult EGO states are
- Reality tested.
- Strategies for problem solving
- Can evaluate feelings of both parent and child EGO state
- Healthy integration of parental demands and Child needs.
Child: That represents archaic relies, skill-active ego states which were fixated in early childhood. The manner and the intent of your reaction is the same way as it would have been when you were a very little boy or girl.
Every individual carries within him fixated relics from earlier years, which will activate under certain circumstances. Child resides intuition, Creativity and spontaneous drive and enjoyment. Expressing emotions and elements of curiosity, insecurity, and dependency.
During Child mind-set, persons present themselves as emotional and does not always follow the logic & reasoning.
Every individual is capable of objective data processing if the appropriate EGO states can be activated at right time. At any given moment, each individual in a social aggregation will exhibit a Parental, Adult or Child Ego state and that he/she can shift with varying degrees of readiness from one state to another.
Mature people are those, who are able to keep the Adult in control most of the time, but their child will take over on occasion like anyone else’s often with disconcerting results.
Adults necessary for survival. It processes the data and computes the probabilities, which are essential for dealing effectively with outside world. It also experiences its own kind of setbacks and gratification. Adult can regulate the activities of the Parent & Child and to mediate objectively between them.
Let us discuss about appropriate EGO state mind during interaction
During formal conversation or during conversation with peers, seniors or subordinates at workplace, Adult EGO state will be appropriate to have effective and positive result.
Again, when both are in the same Child EGO state, conversation will convert to hot arguments, no one will satisfy, no constructive or positive outcome will be there and it might be spoil the relationship also.
During formal conversation, Parent EGO state or Adult EGO state will be appropriate for responding to Child EGO state.
However, during casual enjoyment among closed known group of friends or persons, the Child EGO states is appropriate to enjoy together.
Let us share a Story of Lion, Tiger and Donkey
One sunny day Donkey meets with Tiger and said, “You know, Grass is Blue”
Tiger surprised and immediately replied, “No No, you are wrong, Grass is green“
But Donkey is not agreed with tiger and repeatedly arguing with Tiger that “Grass is Blue”
The discussion becomes heated and they decided to go for arbitration. So they approached to King Lion for Judgement.
Immediately both reached to Lion,
Donkey started screaming “ Your Highness, It is not true that Grass is blue ?”
Lion replied “If you believe it true, then Grass is blue”
Donkey becomes excited and rushed forward and said “ The tiger is disagreed with me, contradict me, annoyed me. Please punished him”.
The King Lion declared, “The tiger will be punished, will be silenced for three days”.
The Donkey jumped with Joy and went on it’s way and roaming around the jungle with loud voice “Grass is blue, Grass is blue ….”
Then in private Tiger asked the lion, “ Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, you know, grass is green ?”
Lion Replied “I know and seen the grass is green”
Tiger asked, “So then, why do you punish me?”
The Lion Replied, “There are nothing to do with the question of whether Grass is Blue or Green. Punishment is, because it is degrading for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing
with a Donkey, and top of that you came and bother me, with that question just to validate something, you already knew was true.
You see the biggest waste of time is arguing with a person, who does not care about truth and reality, but only the victory of his/her believes of illusions. We should never waste time on discussion that make no sense.”
Here in the above story, if we carefully observe, we can see, both Donkey and Tiger were in Child EGO state when they came to Lion. Lion appeared with Parent EGO state during conversation with Donkey. Lion with Adult EGO state during discussion with Tiger, that the logic and reasoning behind the punishment.
During conversation or interaction, we can able to recognise the actual mind-set of the person as well as mind-set of ourselves, when we will consciously observe and analyse for it.
When you are along with your friends or close relatives to spend some time for casual enjoyment or some lighter moment or any fun event, then Child mind-set is obviously appropriate.
However, in a discussion at workplace, if a person found in Child mind-set then keep consciously yourself preferably in Parental EGO state otherwise in Adult EGO mind state. If both are in the same Child EGO mind-set then there will creates a conflicts followed by difference in opinion and reached to hot argument.
There are people, who, for all the evidences presented to them do not have the ability to understand even not that they will not understand, they just want to argue. They might be became blind with their EGO or Resentment. The only thing they want to prove themselves RIGHT even they are not.
There might be a question arise in your mind that “Is it practically possible to regulate our EGO state of mind?”
Yes, it is very much possible regulate our EGO state of mind to reach at a level, from where we can do mature and desired level of interaction. That is possible through continuous practice with conscious mind during interaction. After interaction analyse it and take corrective action for next interaction if any. Gradually it will becomes habit.
Let us try to practice the below exercise, though this is not easy but quite possible and very much effective:
At the end of day, before going to sleep, try to remember the conversation and interactions happened during the day. Analyse those interaction wrt EGO state of mind of both self and others.
You may get some interesting finding; many of the interactions may give satisfaction. However, some of the interaction will makes you unhappy. You will found, you could have handled in much beter way, if you had right EGO state of mind at that moment. That realization to be apply for next day with conscious mind.
If you can continue the same for a month, you will find changes within you, and gradually it becomes a habit and on further continuing the same, habit will help to uplift your reaction to Unconscious level; and you will have beter control on your EGO state and become Master of the Mind Game.
No-Arguments, it has very powerful impact on positive relationship and create huge balance in your Emotional Bank Account. This will make our interactions healthy, positive and result oriented. Let us build positive environment around us with true understanding of our EGO state of mind. It will help to prevent any conflict before it has start. This will sharpen our influencing skill and conflict resolution capability also. Peoples around us will be comfortable and will enjoy our presence. We will have a pleasure of satisfaction and that is the most critical step of our success Ladder. So, let’s start form today, Beter from now.